Unveiling The Secret: The Foundation Behind A Beautiful Marriage
Addressing That Ephesians Passage Part 5
The first time I ever heard a marriage described as a friendship that didn’t come out of my mouth, was at a Catholic wedding. He called it,
The ultimate culmination of a beautiful friendship.
To be honest, I was quite surprised. I have always believed marriage is a partnership that has blossomed from a friendship. But I had never heard those words come out of anyone else’s mouth besides mine, especially from a priest.
He gave a beautiful talk about the foundation of marriage being a friendship and partnership where the couple works jointly toward their goals for a healthy marital relationship and a happy life. What I found most interesting was that he never once mentioned anything that was read in the passage. He never talked about the submission of women, men being heads of the house, or even that the wife must serve the husband as the church serves Christ.
Instead, he talked about the beauty of marriage being found in the friendship and partnership between two people who view and treat each other as equals.
I thought that description was the most beautiful way anyone has ever described marriage.
Friendship is the foundation of a happy and healthy marriage.
Research shows that couples with a great friendship also have higher overall marriage satisfaction. The emotional connection between married couples is 5 times more important than the physical connection in creating lasting, loving, healthy, and happy relationships.
Friendship is defined as, “a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people,” and is defined by 5 key features:
Interactions between two individuals
Reciprocated affection between two individuals
Freely chosen relationship between two individuals
Both individuals have the same power and authority in the relationship
Characterized by companionship and shared activities
In contrast to the idea of friendship as the substance of marriage, the Ephesians passage states that women are supposed to submit to the headship of the husband over the household. Symbolically, the husband is presented as an authority figure to his wife by God.
By definition, authority means, “the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience.”
Authority, whether in an organizational or relational context, implies a hierarchical structure where one individual is perceived to hold a position of power over another.
And by definition, a hierarchy means, “a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to status or authority.”
This creates an imbalance in power dynamics resulting in a distinct separation between the two parties, with one being placed above the other in some way.
Instead of entering into a partnership where both individuals are viewed as equal, to work together to tackle life's challenges, support each other, and raise children (if applicable), the dynamic becomes one of hierarchy. In this relationship, the man assumes complete control over the relationship and all decisions made within it. While a woman may express her opinion, ultimately, she is not permitted to act against her husband's wishes.
An arrangement like that cannot be called a marriage.
Marriage, by definition, is “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.”
And by definition, a partner is, “a person or group that takes part with another or others in doing something.”
Neither of these definitions describes hierarchy or authority over another human being. Nor are they synonymous with those words.
I point these definitions out to you so that you might recognize the stark contrast that exists between them. Hierarchy and authority, however well-intentioned, advocate for power and control over another human being. These words have harsh meanings that remind us how easy it is for human nature to fall into systems that allow us to be superior to others.
Power and authority can erode trust and intimacy in a relationship, and ultimately lead to its demise.
This kind of system brings out the selfishness of human nature. Any desire for authority over another, whether religious or not, is a desire to exert power over them. It means keeping yourself above them in some way so that they always sacrifice for you. It leads to situations where the wife is always sacrificing for her husband. Where the foundation of the marriage is the assumption that the wife must sacrifice and become wholly selfless, while the husband does not.
Pretty soon, telling your wife you will pay her to stop breastfeeding so you can have more children becomes a familiar conversation.
Eventually, no matter how hard you might try, a marriage like that becomes a breeding ground for resentment. How can it not when your husband's desires come first at the expense of your own?
In contrast, friendship and partner are softer and more ethereal terms that remind us how beautiful human nature can be.
They bring us into systems that show us how truly wonderful people can be and allow us to fall in love with the person, and not what that person can do for us. Friendships are not hierarchical or authoritarian. If you were to ever find yourself within a friendship that is and they treat you without having complete autonomy over yourself and your decisions, I would assume that you won't be friends with them for long.
I find it curious that women continue to allow themselves to be in a marriage where their husband is above them in some way when they would not allow these relationships in their personal life. Where they do not have a say, financial or otherwise, in how they live their life, manage money, or even manage their children.
It’s a shame that women allow themselves to be in relationships based on authority and that men desire after it. It’s an indescribable feeling to be in a relationship built on equality.
It is the acceptance of both parties' thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs. It is comforting to know that you are being listened to when you say something or ask for something. The decisions you make will be together, not separately with one partner holding the final say in the decision.
It’s being able to share life's ups and downs with someone, taking on responsibilities and decision-making together, without one person dominating. It's feeling respected, valued, and heard. It's empowering to have autonomy and knowledge that your opinion and decisions matter. In other words, it is freedom without limits.
This foundation enables you to navigate life as a team.
The burdens of finances, childrearing, and household responsibilities are overwhelming and all-consuming. But when you have someone to share that with, the frustrations, and the successes, the highs and the lows, you realize how little the difficulties matter and appreciate just how special those successes are. When you are with someone who treats you as their equal, every day, every challenge, and every achievement, becomes a new way to love them in a way you never knew possible. All of your own free will. Something so beautiful cannot be achieved through authority and hierarchy.
Marriage is so much more than a romantic relationship. It's about having a friend.
Someone to tell all your hopes and dreams to. Someone who the minute you tell them your goal(s) they’re already googling how they can help you achieve it. Then encouraging you every day to keep achieving that goal, even when you fail. Someone to laugh with, someone to hold you when you cry, someone to sing with badly in the car, or to comfort you through tough times.
Most importantly, it's someone to dream with.
To love someone is not to control or assert authority over them, but rather to care for and support them. Love is selflessness and a willingness to compromise and make sacrifices for the other person, rather than trying to assert power over them.
To have and to hold, in sickness and in health until death do you part, without strings attached.
Love is anything but the desire for control.
That’s what it means to be in a marriage. It is a partnership. It is the desire to be equal and to share responsibilities. To work together to tackle the challenges that life throws at you.
It is the ultimate culmination of a beautiful friendship.
Until next time,
Anne’s Musings